I think I was relationship-dependent; I couldn’t imagine myself alone. I needed someone by my side, someone with whom life was good. If I remember correctly, there was a period of about a year starting in the fall of 1994 when I was on my own. After that, there was a big leap in time until the fall of 2021—27 years later—when I found myself alone again. This period became one of the most defining experiences of self-discovery in my life. During this time, a question hovered in my mind: who were the women who shaped my life, and what did they have in common?

Who Were They?

The classic answer might be, “They were all like my mother!” Sure. But who were these women who gave me the space to be the person I wanted to be for such a long time? As I sat alone, reflecting on them in my overwhelming solitude, the answer began to take shape more clearly. They were talented, intelligent, and special in some way. I don’t think I could have envisioned myself with any other kind of woman for the long term.

At the same time, these women somehow didn’t see their own talents, didn’t believe in them, or didn’t know how to turn them into personal success.

Well, I’ll Help!

I’ll help. And maybe this is where my mother comes in. My mother, who was talented in her field, one of the best students in the country. But life—and perhaps her own fears—didn’t allow her to become who she wanted to be. And as a child, I couldn’t help her. So, I thought I’d help the woman by my side, my partner. Because that’s a man’s job, right?

I’ll Handle It!

Here’s how you should do it. Take the risk, organize, get it done! Can’t you see what needs to be done? Let me show you. Don’t you understand? What are you afraid of? I’m here. Oh, come on, don’t be like that… I’ll explain it for you.

But these words—this eagerness to help—somehow always conveyed to the other person that they couldn’t do it. That it came so easily to me, but not to them. I didn’t understand why they were upset. And somehow, the distance between us kept growing—fueled by feelings of inadequacy in them and a sense of failure in me for not being able to help.

What Should I Do?

I didn’t have many long-term relationships, but in each one, this pattern emerged in some way. The other person felt inadequate, and I felt like I couldn’t help. That same elusive feeling kept returning. Perhaps it was the sense that I couldn’t be the man who helped that important woman in my life become the person she wanted to be—or the person I thought she wanted to be.

So, what should I do?

I kept turning this question over and over in my solitude in 2021. If I meet someone and recognize her as a talented, intelligent woman who doesn’t realize her own potential, should I run? After all, my life shows that these situations are doomed to fail. But why would I run? Chemistry is chemistry. Should I say no to something that instinctively feels like a YES? Hmm. No, I don’t want to say no.

So what then?

I think I need to say yes if it comes from the depths of my heart. And I have just one task: to understand how I can be the kind of man beside a woman who dares to be the person she truly wants to be.

But What Should I Do???

That’s the thing. I think the answer is: nothing. What does someone need to believe that who they are is not just good enough but extraordinary—at least for their partner? After all, there’s only one of them.

When I see my partner repeatedly stumble in life’s obstacle course, hitting the hurdles, hurting herself, or falling into the mud, wiping away the dirt in frustration, I don’t need to shout: “Obstacle! Can’t you see it?” She sees it. And it hurts.

So, I just help her up, maybe brush her off—or perhaps just hold her, take her hand, or look into her eyes from a little distance to let her feel it’s okay. She can try again. When she feels ready.

So, Maybe It’s Enough Just to Be There

To love her, to give her security—emotionally, financially—within our means. Or to simply try to understand what she’s going through and reassure her: everything is okay. Because after repeatedly hitting the wall, even the act of trying again is a huge thing, regardless of whether the next hurdle is cleared.

This is how Kata entered my life. The talented, endlessly curious, problem-solving, and, of course, beautiful woman who, despite her big ambitions, spoke about her dreams with a shy lack of self-confidence.

I’m learning how to stand by her as a husband, as a business partner, and as a pillar of support. The business is up and running; more and more people are discovering what she has created. A big hurdle has been cleared.

I’m looking forward to what comes next. I’m watching with curiosity as Kata takes step after step in our daily lives to realize her potential and gradually become the person she truly is. And in doing so, I’m also getting closer to something that has eluded me all my life.

Becoming a good partner.

The original article was published on the Vendler.hu blog.